does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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