You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
