Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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