a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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