She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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