I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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