you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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