if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
