Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
