were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
