Please, let me fuck your mom
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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