The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
