1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
