I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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