How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
