Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
