He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
