it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I will pee on everything he values.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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