I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
