Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
