I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
