have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
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She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
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Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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