I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
