Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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