So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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