I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
