I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The power of my boobs compel you
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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