Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
