And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
