I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
