At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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