I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
