Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
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Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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