The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
