you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
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