Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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