So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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