Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
