But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
