4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
