from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
