I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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