By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
