You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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