I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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