I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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