he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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