Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
