This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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