saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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