we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
