4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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