I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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