im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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