also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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