omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
